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Can I Send Email Condolences?

Etiquette for Emailling Sympathies and Condolences

Jul 14, 2008

Email is one of the ways that people use to communicate with each other daily. However there are some situations where email is not appropriate, like sending condolences.

There are many different options now for communicating with each other. Email is just one of many newer technologies that allow people to communicate with each other easily and asynchronously (not at the same time).

Even though many people use email on a daily basis, there are still some situations where many etiquette experts feel that email is not appropriate, like when sending condolences.

Others feel that email could be used under certain circumstances.

Sending Condolences by Email -- The Experts’ Opinions

Judith Martin, otherwise known as Miss Manners, is one who has labeled e-mailed condolences as tacky.

Syndicated columnist Ellen Goodman is among those who “still believe that sympathy is diluted by two-thirds when it arrives over the Internet transom.”

On the other side, David Shipley and Will Schwalbe, authors of SEND: The Essential Guide to Email for Office and Home, write that if a person “informed by email of a death, it is perfectly acceptable to respond to the sender by email with your initial condolences, particularly if you think you are going to interact with the sender before a letter would reach him.” They go on to caution that sending e-condolences should not stop the person from sending a proper sympathy letter later.

Experts from the Emily Post Institute feel that “e-mail is an immediate way to reach out and say, "I'm sorry. I'm here for you." And unlike a phone call or a personal visit, e-mail doesn't require an immediate response from the recipient.”

Deciding to Send Condolences by Email

When thinking about responding to a death by email, you should first consider the way that you normally communicate with that person. If email is a way that you often communicate with that person then it could be an acceptable, immediate and non-intrusive way of sending sympathies.

You should also consider when you might see them next. If you think that you will interact with the person before a written note or letter might reach them, then sending email with initial condolences could be acceptable. If it will be some time, then send a condolence note or letter.

If you do decide to send your initial condolences by email, then be sure to follow up with a phone call and proper written sympathy letter.

How to Send Condolences by Email

When sending condolences by email, it is helpful to follow the same suggested format for writing a condolence or sympathy note and include all of the recommended components.

Writing an email condolence or sympathy note can be very simple if you break it down into four areas of the NOTE:

Name the deceased and acknowledge the loss.
Offer your sympathy or condolences.
Tell a Story or Share a Memory.
End with a thoughtful expression.

Following the simple NOTE pneumonic will help in remembering the four elements to include in a emailed condolence note: Name, Offer Sympathy, Tell a Story and End thoughtfully.

Be sure to take some uninterrupted time to compose the email message and then ask the following set of questions before you hit “Send.”

Six Questions to Ask Before You Hit "Send"

There are six questions one should ask when considering sending sympathy or condolences by email:

When will you see the person next?
Why are you sending the message?
Where might the person be when they receive the message?
Who else might see or receive the message?
What else could you do instead of emailing or texting the message?
How would you react if you received the message you are planning to send?

Perhaps the most important question to ask oneself before sending a message is the last one. Before you hit “Send” take a moment, step back, read and really review the message that has been written.

If it is a message that you would find helpful or comforting for you under similar circumstances then send it.

If it is one that you might find disturbing or regret sending later then don’t hit “Send” and consider sending your condolences by letter.

Can I Send Condolences by Email?

The answer is, “It depends” on the way that you normally communicate with that person, and the circumstances.

Email can be your initial response, but it should not replace a handwritten condolence note or letter.

Resources:

Dyer KA. 2008. Six Questions to Ask Before You Hit "Send." Suite 101.

Dyer KA. 2008. Can I Send My Condolences by Text, IM or Email? Squidoo.com.

The copyright of the article Can I Send Email Condolences? in Improving Relationships is owned by Kirsti A. Dyer. Permission to republish Can I Send Email Condolences? in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.