Can I Send Instant Messages as Condolences?
Etiquette for Sending Sympathies and Condolences by Instant Message
Officially Instant Messaging (IM) is a form of real-time communication between two or more people based on typed text, however many use the term “Instant Messaging” synonymously with “Texting” to describe the type of communication that can occur on a cell phone, desktop, laptop, PDA, BlackBerry, Smart Phone or Pocket PC.
For this article, an "Instant Message" refers to a message that appears instantly, usually on a computer, but could also instantly appear on a phone or smart phone.
Sending Instant Messages Can Be Disruptive
For many young people (teens and 20-somethings), younger professionals and many older professionals, their first instinct is to IM someone (or send an Instant Message). One key point to remember with an Instant Message is that the message is delivered instantaneously to the receiver. An Instant Message implies to the receiver, especially in the workplace, that an instant response is needed.
Depending on where the receiver is when they get the message, the message can potentially be extremely disruptive, especially if the message is about bad news or condolences. As noted by Russell Friedman, executive director of the Grief Recovery Institute and author of The Grief Recovery Handbook, “You can’t park your grief at the office door and then pick it up at five. When your heart is broken your head doesn’t work right.”
The Experts’ Opinions on Sending Condolences or Bad News by Instant Message
Judith Kallos, etiquette expert and author of several email etiquette books, believes that “IM is not the place for serious topics, emotional or confrontational issues.” She seemed pretty irritated when recounting the fact that she received a condolence IM when her father passed away.
Neri Livneh, writing for Haaretz.com felt that sending “A condolence text message on the death of a close friend's mother seemed to me completely inappropriate” and appropriately noted that "you still can't send a hug by text message."
In an interview for MSNBC’s Career Section, Grief and Bereavement expert, Dr. Kirsti A. Dyer, advised when it comes to sending condolences, stay away from instant messaging and text messaging, “These types of communications are received suddenly and can be extremely disruptive during the grieving person's day.”
Six Questions to Ask Before You Hit "Send"
There are six questions one should ask when considering sending bad news, sympathy or condolences by an instant message or IM:
- When will you see the person next?
- Why are you sending the message?
- Where might the person be when they receive the message?
- Who else might see or receive the message?
- What else could you do instead of emailing the message?
- How would you react if you received the message you are planning to send?
Perhaps the most important question to ask oneself before sending a message is the last one. Before you hit “Send” take a moment, step back, read and really review the message that has been written, even if it is just a short one.
If it is a message that you would find helpful or comforting for you under similar circumstances then send it.
If it is one that you might find disturbing or regret sending later then don’t hit “Send” and consider sending your condolences by letter or email.
Can I Send Condolences by Instant Message?
The answer is most definitely “No.”
An Instant Message is delivered instantaneously and can potentially be extremely disruptive for the person receiving the message depending on where the person is, who else is around and what the person is doing.
Imagine how disruptive getting an instant message would be in the middle of working at the computer or a big project, during an important meeting, when on a conference call or while driving. After receiving an Instant Message the person who has experienced a major loss can suddenly be transported back to feeling the grief. Therefore, think very carefully before clicking "send."
Most of the etiquette and bereavement experts believe that sending an instant message is too informal. This form of communication should only be used for casual topics or informational brief message. If you feel the need to send condolences in a timely manner then consider sending them as an email message instead. Email condolences are slowly gaining favor and acceptance with many people.
We live in a time where everyone is texting, instant messaging and sending emails on a daily basis. However, when it comes to sending condolences for the loss of a loved one, sending a genuine handwritten note, card or letter is still the best way to send your sympathies.
Resources:
Dyer KA. 2008. Six Questions to Ask Before You Hit "Send." Suite 101.
Dyer KA. 2008. Can I Send Text Message Condolences? Suite 101.
Dyer KA. 2008. Can I Send Email Condolences? Suite 101.
Dyer KA. 2008. Can I Send My Condolences by Text, IM or Email? Squidoo.com
