Can I Send Text Message Condolences?
Etiquette for Texting Bad News, Sympathies and Condolences
Text messaging, or texting, is the common term for the sending of "short" text messages from mobile phones. Text messages are usually 160 characters or fewer and that includes spaces.
While text messages may have their place in sending casual messages or informationally brief messages, the etiquette experts agree that texting is too informal to be used for serious topics, emotions or confrontations.
Texting Break up Messages
Teens and 20-somethings may not agree with expert Delly Tamer, the CEO of LetsTalk.com “People in their teens and 20s feel more comfortable using a text message to communicate something serious than having to confront someone.” Britney Spears sent a text message to her then husband Kevin Federline that she wanted a divorce. Experts on cell phone and text messaging use and etiquette said more people may be dumped by text, with rising numbers of teenager and 20-somethings using text to avoid confrontation.
Bauer Griffin, writing for I'm Not Obsessed!, disagrees with using text messages for break ups and had this to say about the Carrie Underwood and Chace Crawford text message breakup. “Call me old fashioned, but I would NOT be happy if someone broke up with me via text message! I understand how useful texting is but there are some things that just need to be said face to face...” Another one of those things is sending condolences on a death.
The Experts’ Opinions on Sending Condolences or Bad News by Text Message
Etiquette Expert and author of several email etiquette books, Judith Kallos feels that sending instant or text messages on a desktop, laptop, PDA, BlackBerry, Pocket PC is not the place for serious topics, emotional or confrontational issues.
Maureen Matthews of the Sydney Morning Herald writes that neither condolence nor bad news should be delivered by text message. “Breaking up with someone by text is about as sensitive as texting condolences. It is cruel, cowardly and disrespectful.”
Bauer Griffin agrees not to be sending text messages with bad news. "...there are some things that just need to be said face to face...”
Deciding to Send Condolences or Bad News by Text Message
It is possible that avid texters, those communicating with each other primarily through text messages might see texting an acceptable means of communicating condolences. Unfortunately, there is very little written on the topic by texters. The etiquette and bereavement experts feel that this is too informal of a method of communication for serious topics.
Most text messages are noted for their brevity and using a lot of abbreviations. Unless everyone is used to using an abbreviation, the receiver may not even know what the message means.
Here are three short examples of messages that could be sent for condolences and two for break ups:
- Srry for ur loss - Sorry for your loss
- SS4URLS - So Sorry for Your Loss
- IMS VSF. TTFN - I am Sorry. Very Sad Face. Ta Ta for Now.
- I Wnt 2 Dvrce U
- J - its nt U, its me :(
If you decide to send quick condolences by a text message, try to follow the same suggested format for writing a condolence or sympathy note and include all of the recommended components, Name, Offer Sympathy, Tell a Story and End thoughtfully.
Writing a Condolence or Sympathy Note can be very simple if you break it down into four areas of the NOTE:
1. Name the deceased and acknowledge the loss.
2. Offer your sympathy or condolences.
3. Tell a Story or Share a Memory.
4. End with a thoughtful expression.
Following the simple NOTE pneumonic will help in remembering the four elements to include in an emailed condolence note: Name, Offer Sympathy, Tell a Story and End thoughtfully.
This example of a possible text condolence message contains 138 characters. The message still uses pretty formal language to convey condolences.
Subject: Death of Your Mother
Sorry to hear about your Mom.
That is really bad news.
This must be a difficult time.
Let me know what I can do.
Be sure to take some time to compose the text message. Avoid abbreviations that might not be recognized by the recipient or that he or she might find insensitive and then ask the following set of questions before you hit “Send.”
Six Questions to Ask Before You Hit "Send"
There are six questions one should ask when considering sending bad news, sympathy or condolences by a text message:
- When will you see the person next?
- Why are you sending the message?
- Where might the person be when they receive the message?
- Who else might see or receive the message?
- What else could you do instead of emailing the message?
- How would you react if you received the message you are planning to send?
Perhaps the most important question to ask oneself before sending a message is the last one. Before you hit “Send” take a moment, step back, read and really review the message that has been written.
If it is a message that you would find helpful or comforting for you under similar circumstances then send it.
If it is one that you might find disturbing or regret sending later then don’t hit “Send” and consider sending your condolences by letter. Lindsay Lohan may now wish she had never pushed “Send” after texting her semi-articulate condolences to the family of director Robert Altman.
Can I Send Condolences or Bad News by Text Message?
The answer is, “Probably Not.”
Etiquette experts believe that texting messaging is too informal and should only be used for casual topics or informational brief messages.
Serious topics, such as the death of a loved one, a major loss or breaking up with someone you are dating are not appropriate for sending a text message. Maureen Matthews of the Sydney Morning Herald calls it “is cruel, cowardly and disrespectful.”
Resources:
Dyer KA. 2008. Six Questions to Ask Before You Hit "Send." Suite 101.
Dyer KA. 2008. Can I Send Text Message Condolences? Suite 101.
Dyer KA. 2008. Can I Send My Condolences by Text, IM or Email? Squidoo.com.
