Do you find yourself in certain typical relationships and situations that people with commitment issues often put themselves in?
Many things in life require commitment: buying a house, a full-time job, choosing a college or university, etc. All of these changes can produce anxiety, doubt and fear. However, we typically think of romantic relationships when we talk about true commitment and many people, even those who claim they don't, have commitment issues.
After dating unavailable person after person with it “never working out,” it’s hard to take a good look at yourself and think: “Perhaps I’m the one with the commitment issues.”
Part of the trick to overcoming said issues is to recognize the patterns in our relationships.
Below are situations that are outlined in “He’s Scared, She’s Scared” to identify whether you have problems with commitment.
(Un) Committed Situations:
You have a history of relationships in which one partner wants more while the other wants less.
One or more important relationships in your history has ended because you or your partner got scared.
You have been involved in more than one relationship in which awkward limitations have been placed on intimacy.
You have a history of becoming involved with inappropriate partners.
In all your important relationships either you or your partner have done something to create or maintain distance.
Your most intense romantic feelings have been directed toward partners when they appear to be pulling away from a commitment from you.
You have a history of becoming involved with, or obsessed by, partners who are emotionally, circumstantially, or geographically unavailable.
Within a relationship your responses tend to be highly unrealistic and extreme - overly romantic, overly critical, overly involved, overly detached.
You have a history of becoming involved with people who have more difficulties with commitment than you do.
You look at friends who have solid commitments and think that they have compromised in a way that you wouldn’t.
You believe that any difficulties you have with commitment will be resolved once you meet the “right” person.
The time intervals between your important relationships are often extreme.
You have difficulty reaching any decision that limits your further options.
You become acutely uncomfortable when you feel someone is closing in on your or invading you space.
In your head you always maintain psychological space and a possible way out of every situation.
You gravitate toward professions or employment conditions that allow you flexibility in terms of time and space.
If these situations happen to you consistently, you probably have issues with commitment that you need to work on.
Further reading: Carter, Steven, and Julia Sokol. He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears that Sabotage Your Relationships. New York, New York: Dell Publishing, 1993.
The copyright of the article Commitment Issues in Improving Relationships is owned by Adrienne Christina Miles. Permission to republish Commitment Issues in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
Hi! I wanted to see what the experts here think about my situation. Me
and me now ex-gf dated for 4 months. The first 2 months were light and we
just started kissing about 6 weeks into it. She told me that she likes
taking things slow and that she has walls. Well, we slowly built up to
more intimate encounters and sleep overs but we never had intercourse.
Almost, but not. Our interactions were such that I sometimes would not
remember things she had said in conversation even though I really tried, I
just lost focus. We talked and she said I an open and can communicate
better than anybody she has dated so that's a plus. Well, this past
weekend, she tested me by saying she doesn't think we are right together.
I got upset and was like, geez- not this again- because she kept on second
guessing everything in the relationship, the whole 4 months. Well,were
were out of town for the day and the trip back home was quiet then we
started to talk. Turns out she wanted me to tell her she was pushing me
away and she was upset i did not remember her telling me that months ago.
We made up that night and talked about marriage- not ours but her fears of
the event-a quiet secluded event is best for her- and she felt great.
Well, the next morning, i started cuddling with her etc and one thing led
to another again. We were intimate but not intercourse. After she was
done, i wanted to wait a while for her to go again and so we lie there. I
whisper in her ear after 5 minutes: "i love you" for the first
time. Then she comes back with "maybe we aren't right for each
other" after she said thank you. we talked some and it felt like it
weas going nowhere at all. I felt like i lost her. So, i eventually just
went away, hurt.
since then, we have chatted alittle. also, i
noticed that she went and got active again on match. i did too right after
i left her place out imatture anger/stupidity. I took it off 3 hours
later. Anyhow, she is still on match and looking. i asked her and she
told me that she is getting emails and just reading them and won't do a
serious relationship. I said the same to her. I am back on match. We did
agree last night to date each other but not exclusively like we were.
To me she has commitment issues or intimacy issues. She has left
previous relationships and has never been married at 44. Me, i have fear
of rejection, been married once, and am 38. Can one of you make comments
on this and any future between us? I do love her.
Jan 6, 2009 5:56 PM
Guest :
Hi! I wanted to see what the experts here think about my situation. Me
and me now ex-gf dated for 4 months. The first 2 months were light and we
just started kissing about 6 weeks into it. She told me that she likes
taking things slow and that she has walls. Well, we slowly built up to
more intimate encounters and sleep overs but we never had intercourse.
Almost, but not. Our interactions were such that I sometimes would not
remember things she had said in conversation even though I really tried, I
just lost focus. We talked and she said I an open and can communicate
better than anybody she has dated so that's a plus. Well, this past
weekend, she tested me by saying she doesn't think we are right together.
I got upset and was like, geez- not this again- because she kept on second
guessing everything in the relationship, the whole 4 months. Well,were
were out of town for the day and the trip back home was quiet then we
started to talk. Turns out she wanted me to tell her she was pushing me
away and she was upset i did not remember her telling me that months ago.
We made up that night and talked about marriage- not ours but her fears of
the event-a quiet secluded event is best for her- and she felt great.
Well, the next morning, i started cuddling with her etc and one thing led
to another again. We were intimate but not intercourse. After she was
done, i wanted to wait a while for her to go again and so we lie there. I
whisper in her ear after 5 minutes: "i love you" for the first
time. Then she comes back with "maybe we aren't right for each
other" after she said thank you. we talked some and it felt like it
weas going nowhere at all. I felt like i lost her. So, i eventually just
went away, hurt.
since then, we have chatted alittle. also, i
noticed that she went and got active again on match. i did too right after
i left her place out imatture anger/stupidity. I took it off 3 hours
later. Anyhow, she is still on match and looking. i asked her and she
told me that she is getting emails and just reading them and won't do a
serious relationship. I said the same to her. I am back on match. We did
agree last night to date each other but not exclusively like we were.
To me she has commitment issues or intimacy issues. She has left
previous relationships and has never been married at 44. Me, i have fear
of rejection, been married once, and am 38. Can one of you make comments
on this and any future between us? I do love her.
Jan 13, 2009 7:35 PM
Guest :
OMG! Get a life and go back to school! The grammar is scary and it makes
absolutely no sense, other than you both need a LOT of therapy! Good luck.
Mar 13, 2009 7:14 AM
Guest :
First off, your grammer is just fine! I'm not really sure about advice of a
possible future for you two together, as it definately seems like she has
major commitment issues or something of the sort.... if she is so scared or
not wanting something serious at her age, maybe she is satisfied just how
things are? Some people are just happy dating or whatnot and get
comfortable in their own ways and habbits. I think anyway. However, there
are plenty of good people out there that ARE ready for the same thing you
want, etc. GOOD LUCK!
