Commitment Issues
Keys to Recognize if You Are Sabotaging Your Romantic Relationships
Many things in life require commitment: buying a house, a full-time job, choosing a college or university, etc. All of these changes can produce anxiety, doubt and fear. However, we typically think of romantic relationships when we talk about true commitment and many people, even those who claim they don't, have commitment issues.
After dating unavailable person after person with it “never working out,” it’s hard to take a good look at yourself and think: “Perhaps I’m the one with the commitment issues.”
In the book "He’s Scared, She’s Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears that Sabotage Your Relationships" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol, the idea that men and women who have patterns of dating people with commitment issues often have commitment issues themselves is explored.
Part of the trick to overcoming said issues is to recognize the patterns in our relationships.
Below are situations that are outlined in “He’s Scared, She’s Scared” to identify whether you have problems with commitment.
(Un) Committed Situations:
- You have a history of relationships in which one partner wants more while the other wants less.
- One or more important relationships in your history has ended because you or your partner got scared.
- You have been involved in more than one relationship in which awkward limitations have been placed on intimacy.
- You have a history of becoming involved with inappropriate partners.
- In all your important relationships either you or your partner have done something to create or maintain distance.
- Your most intense romantic feelings have been directed toward partners when they appear to be pulling away from a commitment from you.
- You have a history of becoming involved with, or obsessed by, partners who are emotionally, circumstantially, or geographically unavailable.
- Within a relationship your responses tend to be highly unrealistic and extreme - overly romantic, overly critical, overly involved, overly detached.
- You have a history of becoming involved with people who have more difficulties with commitment than you do.
- You look at friends who have solid commitments and think that they have compromised in a way that you wouldn’t.
- You believe that any difficulties you have with commitment will be resolved once you meet the “right” person.
- The time intervals between your important relationships are often extreme.
- You have difficulty reaching any decision that limits your further options.
- You become acutely uncomfortable when you feel someone is closing in on your or invading you space.
- In your head you always maintain psychological space and a possible way out of every situation.
- You gravitate toward professions or employment conditions that allow you flexibility in terms of time and space.
If these situations happen to you consistently, you probably have issues with commitment that you need to work on.
Further reading: Carter, Steven, and Julia Sokol. He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears that Sabotage Your Relationships. New York, New York: Dell Publishing, 1993.
