Dealing With Difficult People
Tips to Help Resolve Conflict With Problematic or Irrational People
Jul 1, 2009
Difficult people tend to be treated with kid gloves. Others are constantly being confronted because of their behavior. Most of the time, one can simply follow a trail of crushed egg shells that leads right to them. Whether it’s your spouse, boss, employee, co-worker, sibling, landlord or acquaintance, nearly every person will, at some point, be face to face with a thorny person (if you are the rarest of individuals and have never been presented with having to deal with a difficult person, then please give some thought to the possibility of perhaps being this person).
Problematic People Harm More than One's Self-Esteem
Difficult people tend to be selfish, self involved, lacking in love and overall happiness. Because of this they seem to bring out the very worst in those they come in contact with. If the contact with a difficult person is occasional - a store clerk or an irate driver - passing anger and momentary helplessness will likely be the emotional response they evoke.
But if the difficult person has to be dealt with on a daily basis - a boss, a colleague, or a significant other - this can drastically harm not just one's peace of mind and productivity, but it may very well affect your overall physical health. Long term exposure to chronic stress can lead to a variety of serious health problems. Among those health issues, stress can heighten the risk of stroke and heart attack as well as contributing to infertility and premature aging.
Avoiding the Pitfalls Dug by a Difficult Person
In the article "Float Above the Fray" which appeared in the February 2008 issue of Natural Health, Toni Klym McLellan discusses suggestions given by clinical psychologist Nando Pelusi to deal with the hard-to-handle person.
Klym McLellan writes that according to Pelusi, the goal in improving how one reacts to an abrasive person “is not only to find peace with them… but also to find ways to hop gracefully over common emotional pitfalls.” Some of those common pitfalls are outrage, obsession, and hurt feelings.
- Outrage – In order to counteract the sudden cold-water-bath feeling of outrage towards the difficult person, be assertive: not aggressive. It’s important that to stand up for one’s self without getting down and dirty with the aggressor and more importantly, without getting personal.
- Obsession – If you constantly think about your difficult relationships, it is possible that you are under the impression that you will be able to modify the problematic person’s behavior. The traditional way of thinking dictates that there is a uniform way to behave and it should be applicable all. Pelusi advices that we must recognize that some people will forever remain obnoxious. Once we accept that and lower our expectations, the obsession will be lessened to nothing more than an annoyance. Klym McLellan writes that we should “think of difficult people as obstacles in the road — accept that they exist so you can swerve around them instead of colliding with them.”
- Hurt Feelings – Pelusi states that “difficult people take advantage of those who need approval." Acting and feeling wounded may add fuel to the difficult person’s fire therefore making you more of a target. You don’t have to put aside all emotions, but decrease your vulnerability.
Exercises of visualization can greatly improve this. Visualize replacing your hurt for indifference every time you feel upset or offended. With practice, when confronted with the same type of difficult person, your body will learn to do the replacing on its own leading to a more calm reaction to a particularly stressful situation.
What Can You Do to Deal With Difficult People
The following quick tips can be very helpful when dealing with a problematic person:
- Breathe! Take time to cool down. Allow yourself a little distance from both the situation and the person in order to be able to properly respond.
- Be the bigger person. The prickly person often thrives on conflict so don't give them any more ammunition than they already have. A soft answer turns away wrath. As hard as it may be, stay cool and level-headed and don't let the difficult person drag you down with them
- Decompress. It's very important to acknowledge your feelings of frustration or hurt, but do this in private. Once you've gathered your thoughts and lowered your blood pressure, you're ready to tackle the problematic one in an adult manner.
- Think before you speak. Impulsive and rash words can worsen the situation. Reconsider saying the first thing that pops into your head. Usually it'll be the gut reaction to what you've just been told so it will likely be defensive and protective and won't solve anything.
- You can say anything with a smile. Even if what you have to say may be controversial, always remember that saying it with a smile makes it easier for both you and the one you're saying it to.
- It's not you - it's them! Remember that the abrasive person is the one with problem. Their anger does not have to be yours if you don't accept it. Rise above the conflict and leave the anger where it belongs... with them.
- When all else fails, bail. Separate yourself from the difficult person if at all possible. Keep in mind that your health, mental, and emotional well being will undoubtedly be affected by the continued stress of being around a problematic person. Jobs may have to be changed and friends may need be to let go.
Sources:
- “Making Hostile Words Harmless Is A Creative And Positive Approach For Dealing With Difficult People”. M2PressWIRE; Dublin 2008-05-28 ResearchAndMarkets.com
- McLellan, Toni Klym. "Float Above the Fray". Natural Health; Feb2008, Vol 38 Issue 2, p112-1121p
- Pavlina, Steve. “Dealing with Difficult People” November 20th, 2004. Online Article. Accessed 2009-07-01
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