Dealing with Difficult Controlling People
How to Handle a Controller or an Overbearing, Dominant Person
Aug 18, 2009
Most people have at least one difficult person in their life. It might be the overbearing aunt they only see on holidays, the dominant brother that comes over for Sunday dinners, or the controlling coworker they encounter on a daily basis. Who and how often doesn't matter as much as how to handle them effectively without being beaten up or drained in the process.
What a Difficult Person is Teaching
Difficult people are wonderful at triggering negative reactions in others, but if viewed from a different perspective, the difficult person can actually teach others how to stand up for themselves and own their inner power.
Notice what emotion gets triggered in the presence of a controlling person. Is it fear, anger, intimidation? Some people feel small and frightened when a person dominates them. Others feel invalidated and angry when controlled. Yet no one can control another or force them to feel anything without some level of permission. In reality, the difficult person is triggering a vulnerable spot or wound in the other individual. This provides an opportunity for healing and growth.
Notice when the reaction of fear, anger or feeling small has happened before. Is there a childhood wound that needs to be addressed? Is this a life pattern? Perhaps the difficult person was placed in your life to teach a valuable lesson?
Is the lesson about overcoming fear? Perhaps it's about owning inner power. Discover what would best support you to feel non-reactive in this person's presence.
Tips for Dealing with Difficult People
Try the following tips as a way to handle a controlling person who is overbearing and dominant.
- Be easygoing. Difficult people sometimes need to be in control and at other times they are looking for a fight, so don't give them one. The balance point between struggling for control and being walked over is maintaining an easygoing attitude.
- Turn on amusement. Humor can lighten up any situation and diffuse a difficult interaction with a difficult person. Tell a joke or share a humorous story, or if the person is completely overbearing, imagine they are a funny character from a cartoon or comic strip.
- Understand their wounds. Underneath controlling, dominant behavior is often a scared, insecure person looking for a way to feel safe. Being in control is a coping mechanism learned from childhood. As you see their wounds, your compassion will support them to feel safe and be less controlling.
- Communicate honestly. The difficult person may not know how they affect others. Be brave and tell them how their behavior affects you and the relationship. Share your side of things from a calm and neutral perspective, using effective communication skills, as a way to shift the dynamic in a controlling relationship.
Difficult people can be a handful if not handled carefully. Like unhealthy foods, they need to be taken lightly and minimally. As you practice new ways to own your power with this person, set healthy boundaries around how much time is spent with them.
For a related article, read Dealing with Negative People who complain all the time.
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