Dealing with Self-Absorbed People

How to Handle a Self-Centered Person Who Drains Your Energy

Aug 20, 2009 Gini Grey

Self-absorbed people quickly suck the energy out of family, friends and coworkers. Self-awareness and clear boundaries are the best ways to deal with them.

People who focus exclusively on themselves by continually bringing the conversation back to their life and circumstances, whether positive or negative, and who are quick to blame others for not meeting their needs, are described as being self-absorbed, self-centered or even narcissistic in extreme cases.

Self-absorbed people can be charming. At first their stories may be interesting and even entertaining, but after a while listening to a self-centered person talk on and on about themselves can be draining. It's as though they are sucking the life energy out of the person they are speaking to. They seem to become more energized while the listener fades away. And if a friend or family member doesn't put the self-absorbed person's needs first – look out, they're in big trouble.

How to Handle a Self-Centered Person

Many people have a self-centered person in their life that they can't avoid such as a family member or co-worker. Try the following ideas for dealing with self-absorbed people so your energy doesn't get drained.

• Stay focused within. Self-absorbed people suck the energy out of others by being the center of attention. They want others' ears, eyes and thoughts on them. Keep part of your focus on your breathing, body sensations, and inner emotions - don't give it all away and you'll feel less drained.
• Turn the conversation around. Look for opportunities to talk about a common interest or a comparable situation in your life. Whenever there is a break, pause or breath between words, jump in with your side of things as a refresher.
• Stay in a group. Within a group of people there is bound to be an exchange of conversation which will prevent the self-absorbed person from having all the attention, so make sure there is at least one other person around when you interact with the self-centered person.
• Discover their underlying needs. Underneath self-absorption is the need for attention and approval. What message might help fill this person's need so they can relax in the conversation - perhaps a true compliment or acknowledgment?
• Be careful what you promise. Some self-absorbed people have a tendency to ask for favors and expect others to bend over backwards for them. Only promise what you can deliver and don't take responsibility for their neediness.
• Communicate your needs. Tell them how you are affected by their self-focused behavior and what you need from them. Communicating from the heart and soul will help them to hear and understand better.
• Set clear boundaries. Define your boundaries by deciding when, where and how much time to spend together. Choose times to get together when you feel strong and energized. Have a back up plan for when it's time to leave. Learn how to say "no" without feeling guilty.
• Set energy boundaries. Each person has an energy field around them that is part of their personal space. Become aware of energy boundaries so you can protect your personal space.

Maintain an inward focus, include others in the conversation, and set clear boundaries as a way to stay energized and feel less drained when spending time with a self-absorbed person. If this doesn't work, it may be time to cut them loose from your life.

For related articles, read How Stop Being Self-Absorbed, Dealing with Difficult People who control, and Dealing with Negative People.

The copyright of the article Dealing with Self-Absorbed People in Personal Development is owned by Gini Grey. Permission to republish Dealing with Self-Absorbed People in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

Self-Absorbed People Drain Your Energy

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Aug 23, 2009 3:02 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Funny -- sometimes self-absorbed people are wonderful to have around! Sometimes you can just relax and let them go on and on and on, and you don't even have to try to make conversation.

Definitely, after awhile it's totally draining. I find it helps to remember that they might be lonely, depressed, or insecure. There's a need underlying that self-absorption, and thinking about that need actually keeps me interested in the conversation. :-)

Thanks for this series of articles, Gini -- they're really helpful!

Laurie

Aug 24, 2009 1:42 PM

Gini Grey :

Hi Laurie,

I too sometimes enjoy being around a self-absorbed person - if they have some interesting stories to tell and if it's not for too long, otherwise I feel very drained.

Recently when I was with someone who is self-absorbed and I was listening to his stories (some I'd heard before) I did what you mentioned - think about the underlying need - and I could clearly see that he had a need to feel he belonged and was accepted so I just silently sent those messages to him (that I accept him, and he belongs here) and then he settled down and stopped dominating the conversation. It's amazing how just our thoughts can affect another person.

Aug 31, 2009 11:31 AM

Guest :

I have a self-absorbed family member and i am completely and totally over thinking they are entertaining. The only thing she cares about is herself and to hear herself talk. It is so frustratingly draining. I know that she clearly has issues with herself and that is why she acts this way, but sometimes I just can't handle it. When our friends have babies - while we are in the hospital room, she is talking about herself. When other people have exciting things happen to them, she always brings it back to herself. I just don't know what else I can do anymore besides limit my exposure to her toxic behavior. The things listed above are helpful though. Thanks.

Sep 2, 2009 2:04 PM

Gini Grey :

Yes, sometimes the best thing to do is limit your exposure. Unfortunately, if the self-absorbed person is in your family or close friends circle, it can be challenging to avoid them completely.

I just thought of another tip from one of my other articles: be amused when around them - imagine they are a character from a funny comic strip or cartoon. This way you may not be triggered by them so much.

Feb 3, 2010 11:24 AM

Guest :

My best friend of 18 years is beginning to turn into her monther this way. Every statement that is made is instantly followed by her talking about herself.
What's even worse is that she insists on correcting everyone or adding her own opinion to EVERYTHING that everyone else says.
The frustration is overpowering because we've known each other for so long, and i should be able to talk about anything with her, but she refuses to admitt that she's the problem.

Feb 3, 2010 2:06 PM

Gini Grey :

I can understand how frustrating it must be to have a long time friend be self-absorbed and correct people on their opinions. She most likely has some deep self-esteem issues so I hope you can have compassion for her. And it sounds like you've tried to talk to her about it as you mentioned she won't admit to her behavior.

One other suggestion is to interupt her when the behavior is occuring and tell her how you feel - not to put the focus on judging her behavior but on how you are affected by it (will make her less defensive). If you can do this from a place of neutrality and not be too charged, she may start to hear you (it may take a few times of sharing your feelings with her). If you tell her that you otherwise value your friendship but this behavior is interfering, she then has a choice between her behavior and your friendship.

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