Just as junk food sex is superficial and toxic orgasms are pretty much about "what's in it for me" only, ecstatic sex is about becoming vulnerable. It requires progressive acts of continued surrender. Surrender is not submission. It can never be forced. It is always freely given. But, to surrender freely to another human being requires a deep level of saftey and trust, which is why commitment is essential. When partners focus on healing the hearts of each other the following skills need to be in place.
Partners Need to...
- Create an atmosphere of safety and trust.
- Feel free to become increasingly vulnerable with each other.
- Respect each other's feelings and talk to each other in loving and compassionate ways.
- Refrain from any verbal abuse, put downs, or complaints, especially during sex.
- Learn the skills of validating each other in a loving way.
- Have a high level of respect for each other and for themselves.
- Respect each other's boundaries. No means no!
- Discover what real love is and deeply desire to only have real love with one another.
- View the sexual act as a sacred act of being able to deeply share, communicate, and express love for one another.
- Be prepared to skillfully process painful emotions that might emerge during the act of love making.
Healing Painful Emotions That May Emerge
Therapists are skillful at knowing how to work with the painful emotions of their clients. Yet, the average person typically does not know how to work with these emotions, especially when they arise during sex. Emotions that can surface include the following:
- Fear
- Anger
- Sadness
- Regret
Typically these feelings arise especially during sex because partners have felt betrayed or harmed emotionally and sexually by others (or in the case of regret they feel they have betrayed or harmed someone else). When these emotions arise, especially during love making (which is about making, or giving, our love to others) the following tips help each partner cope effectively with what is arising.
- Avoid judging any emotion that arises as good or bad
- Simply reflect the emotion back by saying, "You feel afraid, sad, etc."
- If the person has been hurt say, "I'm sorry you were hurt (harmed, betrayed, etc)
- If the person has hurt someone say, "I'm sorry you felt the need to hurt (harm, betray, etc.)
- Apart from the above say as little as possible. Simply listen and hold your partner.
Also, men may feel especially vulnerable or ashamed of negative emotions that arise during sex. Because of this, men resort to junk food sex far more often than women do by bringing in porn, distracting sex toys, and fantasies in their heads as a means to ward off their painful feelings. They may even become agressive during sex since men feel greater permission to get mad rather than sad or afraid.
If a male partner is resorting to junk food sex, it is up to the other partner to end the sexual experience. Remember, the goal is ecstatic sex. A good way to end it is to say, "You seem to be angry or distracted at this time. Let's talk, hold each other, get playful, or simply validate each other for now."
As the above sugestions are followed, partners will find themselves melting and removing the inner blocks in the body that prevent them from truly making love, instead of just having sex. Then, their orgasms will no longer be toxic and the gateways to ecstatic sex will open even more.
Read how hearts are broken, not mended, through sex, here.
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