Dr. P.M. Forni, founder of Johns Hopkins University's Civility Institute, and author of The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude, [St Martin’s Press, June 2008] writes that it is impossible to change someone else’s behavior, but anyone can help improve a negative situation. He offers these eight rules for living a civil life and reducing stress in all relationships.
Rule One: Slow Down and be Present
Forni feels the pace of modern life contributes to rude behavior. Kindness, he says, requires time. Often during big family events, key players are stressed and tempers can flare. Forni suggests finding a balance between creating the perfect event, and spending meaningful time with family and friends.
Rule Two: Listen and be Empathic
When people ask themselves, “how would I feel if I were in his or her situation?” they mentally put themselves in the shoes of another. Listening with empathy, deepens understanding of another person and the challenges they face.
Rule Three: Keep a Positive Attitude
The way a person thinks about their life, becomes their life. Forni says maintaining a positive attitude is critical to leading a happier life, and to creating an atmosphere of goodwill that can diffuse negative behaviors in others.
Rule Four: Respect Others, and Give Them Plenty of Validation
Family gatherings are often a time to catch up on everyone’s life. Forni recommends listening and validating others, rather than using their experiences as a springboard for telling your own stories. Often a difficult relative is one who feels undervalued. A little time spent listening and appreciating another can produce positive results.
Rule Five: Disagree Graciously, and Refrain from Arguing
When disagreements arise, focus on the other person’s position, and if possible find common ground, saying something such as, “I agree. Patriotism is important, however I am afraid I disagree with your position on jailing dissenters.” Never interrupt, raise your voice, or use sarcasm to make a point. Simply state your position, and change the subject. Arguing solves nothing, and only adds tension to any gathering.
Rule Six: Get to Know People
Family members usually feel they know each other all too well, but people grow and change. Renew relationships rather than simply relying on past memories.
Rule Seven: Pay Attention to the Small Things
Forni explains that using words like thank you, please, and good morning creates good will. Small acts such sending notes of appreciation or praise cost very little, yet help strengthen relationships.
Rule Eight: Ask, Don’t Tell
Replace “You should…” with “What do you think?” Asking works well even when someone is verbally attacking you. Forni recommends calmly asking what the problem is, and what the other person thinks might solve it.
Following Forni’s suggestions won’t extinguish all rude behaviors or every difficult moment of a family gathering, but the kind and thoughtful actions of one person can reduce tensions and create a climate of civility for everyone.
