How to Say No and Improve Relationships
Can we say no and still preserve our relationships? It turns out we can say no, mean it, and make it stick without feeling guilty and without starting an argument. William Ury, in his latest book, The Power of a Positive No, calls no the most powerful word in the language. He reflects that no is also very difficult to say for most of us.
The Trap
Because we haven't learned to say no positively and effectively, we tend to fall into what Ury calls the Three-A Trap. We either say yes reluctantly, accommodating the request, we attack the requestor with a defensive response that angers and alienates, or we attempt to avoid responding altogether, hoping it will go away.
Relationships and Requests
Every relationship, whether personal or professional, will present us with requests for our time and energy. These may range from, "Honey, can you pick up the kids at soccer?" to "Hey friend, can you spot me $10 for lunch until Friday?" Of course, if yes is your immediate and preferred response, there is no problem. But what if picking up the kids after soccer interferes with an important client meeting? And what happens if the friend who wants to borrow $10 still owes you $10 from last month?
There are ways to say no that are positive, constructive, and can actually improve a relationship. These no's involve a three part thought process and a bit of practice.
Part One: Start the No With Your Yes
The first part of the three part constructive no process, according to Ury, is to reflect upon your reason for saying no. If you ground your no in the value or life aspect you want to protect, the person making the request may not feel your no is a reflection on them.
Perhaps you've found in the past that loans to friends have tended to diminish the friendship, causing hard feelings if the loans were not promptly re-paid. So to value your continuing friendship, you decide to say no to the request. Reflecting on your reason for saying no provides you the confidence and conviction to say no, mean it, and still be positive about the friendship.
Part Two: The Positive No
In this case, you might say, "I'm so sorry, Bill, but I've adopted a policy of never loaning money to friends because I value friendships and don't want a few dollars to get in the way." In this example, you've made the no about you, not about Bill. Your policy is to not loan money. You hope that Bill will respect that.
Your response points out another important factor: respect. This response is respectful of Bill, an important factor in maintaining good relationships.
Part Three: The Suggestion
The third part of a positive no is a suggestion for how the request can be fulfilled despite your no. In this example, your no is not about the $10, but about preserving the friendship, so you might complete your positive no this way: "I'm so sorry, Bill, but I've adopted a policy of never loaning money to friends because I value friendships and don't want a few dollars to get in the way. How about if you join me for lunch, my treat?"
Treating someone to lunch is a friendly, generous gesture. Bill can feel good that his friendship is honored with your generosity, you can feel good that Bill need not beg for money to have lunch, and the friendship is preserved.
Summary of The Three Part Positive No
When receiving a request that you do not wish to honor, first reflect on what you want to protect, then phrase your no with respect and ground it upon the value you're protecting. Finally, suggest an alternative solution.
Related Article: The Power of a Positive No
More Relationship articles in the index.
