Improve Relations in a Personal Development Plan
Enforce Relationships Boundaries with Self Awareness and Saying No
Oct 18, 2009
A spurt in personal growth results when the personal development advocate discovers insights through self-awareness and self-reflection. Discovering one's boundaries and learning to set and enforce them provides not only personal growth, but also improved relationships.
For personal development activists following the Sample Personal Growth Plan, this material relates to week #17, which focuses on setting personal boundaries.
In the article "Setting Boundaries in Relationships," author and educator Judy H. Wright states, "All relationships work more harmoniously when the participants know what to expect and what is expected of them."
In an article "Begin to Set Personal Boundaries, life coach Cheryl Richardson calls the inability to enforce one's boundaries the "disease to please." Richardson contends that, "creating stronger boundaries is the number one way for most women to improve their lives."
Problems Due to Relationships Boundaries
Helpful people are especially vulnerable to boundary problems because they have difficulty saying "no." As a result, they are often burdened with feelings of resentment and anger, which signal a boundary violation. Infringed relationship's boundaries often cause one to have feelings of being victimized, overwhelmed, and unfairly treated.
Setting relationships boundaries is not as hard as it may seem, and need not result in relationship conflicts. Self-awareness of boundary violations is the first step in improving relationships and achieving personal growth through establishing boundaries.
Self-Awareness and Relationship Boundaries
Self-awareness of one's emotions, especially emotions of anger, resentment, and guilt, will help to identify those situations where a boundary should be established.
A handy way to discover boundary issues is to complete this sentence: "I feel angry, resentful, or guilty when..." Repeat this exercise to identify opportunities for personal growth through relationships boundaries.
Set and Enforce Boundaries
Armed with knowledge of the boundary violations currently affecting relationships, it's time to set boundaries in place and to learn some tips for enforcing them. For each boundary issue identified above, the person inspired to set boundaries should complete this sentence: "I will no longer allow [name the violating person or situation] to [name the boundary violation]."
For each boundary to be enforced, practice some prepared statements asserting your rights in the situation. Make each statement a personal declaration of what is troubling and what is expected, always beginning with the personal pronoun "I," and focusing the discussion on what you want from the other person. For example, "I get really frustrated when I'm continually interrupted. In the future, please hear me out before responding."
For someone new to enforcing personal boundaries, the anticipation of conflict in applying limits not heretofore enforced in a relationship may be very uncomfortable. In this situation it is best to start with a small boundary, one that's unlikely to generate conflict. It may also be helpful to affirm your own rights, such as with this affirmation: "I am an intelligent, functional adult and have the right to voice my own opinions."
Learn to Say "No"
Often, a boundary enforcement requires one to say "no," which can be very difficult for many people. International negotiator William Ury describes a powerful process for saying "no" and feeling good while doing it. In his book, The Power of a Positive No, Ury outlines a three-part process for successfully saying "no."
- Be clear on your reasons for saying "no," linking to a value you hold that would be compromised by the request.
- Then construct a response that recognizes the importance of the request, but respectfully declines due to the personal value you must honor.
- Finally, suggest an alternative solution to the request to show that you are supportive of the request and are willing to help in other ways.
Personal Growth and Improved Relationships
Improving relations and personal development are likely results of actions to set relationship's boundaries and enforce them. Discover boundary infringements with self-awareness, using the emotions of anger, resentment, and guilt as indicators. Prepare and practice statements describing the boundary violation and what is expected in the future. Learn the technique of the powerful positive "no."
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