Improve Your Relationships
Learn Communication Skills and Stop Misinterpreting Behavior
Stop the anxiety and worry that occurs with misunderstanding and misinterpreting others. Check your perceptions, improve relationships and reduce stress in your life
Have you ever had someone walk up to you and demand to know, "Why are you mad at me?"
If you’re truly angry, chances are you will let them know exactly why, but often we are perplexed and defensive, “Who said I was mad?” No one likes to have people jump to conclusions about the reasons for our behavior. Unfortunately, most people are guilty of treating their “interpretation” of another’s behavior as fact and this is frequently how misunderstandings get started.
How we perceive others is a complex and unreliable process often based on preconceived notions we never stop to think about. Interpreting the behavior of others is tricky. Our understanding is significantly influenced by physiological factors such as age, health and fatigue. It is easy to misinterpret someone else’s intentions when we are distracted by hunger, stress or when we feel ill. Cultural differences, gender roles, stereotypes and emotional memories (recalling how someone else treated you in a similar situation and acting on that memory) also play a large roll in how we perceive other’s behavior.
Why do we allow these influences to cause anxiety and worry in our interactions with the people we are closest to? Like it or not, for whatever biological reason, human beings consistently assume the negative over the positive. If you don’t receive a phone call on your birthday from your best friend, your first reaction is likely to be that they forgot you, didn’t care enough to call or maybe even assume they are angry with you for some reason. Rarely is our first thought the possibility that something may be wrong in our friend’s life. Maybe there was a death in the family or possibly your friend has the flu. Giving people the benefit of the doubt is usually not our first response. These negative reactions lead to stress in our relationships and ultimately in our lives.
The Perception Check
This technique is easy to learn and very effective in stopping false perceptions before they have a chance to cause trouble.
A Complete Perception Check has Three Elements:
- A description of the behavior you noticed
- At least two possible interpretations of the behavior
- A request for clarification about how to interpret the behavior
Example:
“When you stomped out of the room and slammed the door,” (behavior) “I wasn’t sure whether you were mad at me” (first interpretation) “or just in a big hurry.” (second interpretation) “How did you feel?” (request for clarification)
Perception checking is a tool you can use to insure that you are interpreting others accurately instead of assuming that your first impression is correct. This communication skill minimizes defensiveness by taking a more respectful approach that implies, “I’m not qualified to judge you without some help,” rather than, “I know what you are thinking.”
Like any communication skill, perception checking isn’t a magic formula that will work in any situation, but if you practice, you can greatly improve your interactions with others.
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