Ecstatic sex can include many aspects such as:
- love,
- intimacy,
- healing,
- play
Within this list play is perhaps the most essential, since it opens the door to the other three. Though it may seem paradoxical (since ultimately play is a spontaneous experience), for an initial playful encounter to work best certain ground rules need to be established.
Make Sure the Agreement Is to Have Ecstatic vs. Junk Food Sex
As this series of articles has clearly outlined, the purpose of the sexual encounter is primarily one of laying the foundation for the ecstatic sex that is to come. Both partners need to agree that they value ecstatic sex over junk food sex.
Understand What Playful Sex Looks and Feels Like
Playful sex is ultimately:
- fun,
- spontaneous,
- childlike,
- lighhearted,
- and joyful.
One of the reasons children actively involve themselves in play is precisely because they experience these qualities so readily inside themselves. For those who are immediately concerned that playful sex doesn't seem very "hot and steamy" they need to remember that play can include everything the imagination can conceive of with a few distinctions.
Boundaries That Help Sex Remain Playful
To avoid playful sex turning into a regretful episode of Sex For All the Wrong Reasons, a few ground rules need to be established.
- Keep it Consensual -- From the very beginning partners need to agree that everything they do together will be done in a free and conscious way. If needed a signal can be established (verbal or non-verbal) to help the other understand that one is moving away from a space of feeling free and at choice, to one of feeling conflicted, unsure, or unwilling.
- Do No Harm -- The playful encounter does not force, pressure, seduce, manipulate, denigrate, subjugate, or harm anyone. If either partner is moving into feeling uncomfortable, or spots him or herself starting to slip into patterns of having sex for all the wrong reasons, they need to stop what they are doing immediately. Remember ecstatic sex is about producing the highest level of joy imaginable.
- Alternate Play -- Ideally a playful episode grows organically. In the same way children play -- partners begin to feed upon each other's creativity and enthusiasm. Things just flow, or happen, in a very joyful way. But, until this process naturally emerges, it can help to agree that each individual will alternate being in charge of the "play time." Ideally, each person takes 20 to 30 minutes of time (setting an alarm even if necessary) for their play session. During that time the partner in the lead can establish what they want to do as they play. Once the partners discover more fully how each other plays and what they enjoy, they can set aside the notion of alternating play and just see what emerges.
- Honor the Child in Each -- Intimate and ecstatic sex is the highest form of renewing, respecting, and liberating the innocent, trusting, and joyful child within every human being. Long before that child was wounded, betrayed, violated, and disappointed, that child went into the world each day with excitement, hope, and love. Junk food sex is precisely that because it cares less about who gets wounded, abused, or hurt during sex. If at any time during ecstatic sex either partner starts to feel uncomfortable or shuts down it is time for the playful session to end and communication between the two people to begin.
Want to learn more? Read, Five Ways to Enjoy Playful Sex and Five MORE Methods for Playful Sex.
