Keeping the Peace with the In-Laws
How to Live in Harmony with Your Significant Other’s Family
Jul 9, 2009
Mother-in-law. The image that the word conjures up is usually of an over-bearing, controlling, bossy, up-in-your-business sour old lady with whom you have little to nothing in common.
Though this is, of course, the cartoon version and perhaps a Hollywood adaptation, for many couples, dealing with in-laws can be the source of great marital strife.
In-Laws are a Package Deal
When one said “I do” to their spouse, they also said “I do” to their entire family. They are in essence bound to these people as they are to their significant other.
Ideally, certain healthy patterns should be established before entering a long term, committed relationship regarding the extended families on both sides. This seldom happens, however, and the headache of creating a new family with ones spouse is usually worsened by the stress caused by divided loyalties.
Starting Healthy Relationship Habits with In-Laws
Fortunately, destructive patterns can be corrected. Both partners must act as a team and resolve together to stick to a battle plan in order to restore (or in some cases establish) harmony within their entire family.
- Keep things in perspective – You chose your partner. Your partner chose you. And though you didn’t choose their family, it’s a package deal. Realize that your in-laws will always be a part of your significant other’s life and therefore, a part of yours. This is especially true once children enter the picture. Remember that you both need to do what is best for your newly formed family.
- Work together – Set boundaries and define expectations. Is her sister allowed to simply drop by on a whim? Should his mother put the grandchildren to bed whatever time she pleases? These are things that need to be clearly discussed. Do not assume that your spouse knows that since you spent Thanksgiving at his parents, Christmas is going to be spent with yours. Your partner won’t know what you’re thinking if you’ve never vocalized it. Be clear with each other. Communicate, communicate, communicate.
- Each to his own – If one person in the relationship has a problem with their significant other’s father, it is the significant other’s responsibility to be the mediator/mouth piece in the resolution of the conflict. In turn, if the shoe is on the other foot, the same applies. The person who has the primary relationship is the one that must take the lead in resolving the problem. It is never a good idea for the in-laws to confront each other. The situation might easily get worse.
- Understand the ties that bind – Sometimes issues of jealousy may be at the core of in-law problems. The problem might not be that his brother is constantly over at the house, putting his feet up on the couch, drinking straight from the milk carton (as annoying as that may be). It may be that his brother simply hogs up all of his free time and you resent him for that. Understand and accept the pre-existing relationship that your spouse has with his/her family. Be supportive and again, voice any reservation you may have.
- Don’t go crying to momma – As hard as it may be, keep the family out of the personal relationship problems. There’s always going to be a temptation to run to your parents the minute you have a big blow out with your partner. Do not! Your family will always take your side no matter what (it’s their job). If you tell them about how your spouse has wronged you, they will likely take it more personally than you did. Fights are a part of every relationship. Sometimes, they’re even healthy. Chances are that in a matter of hours, the anger between you and your partner will have passed, but if you shared this fight with your family members, they may not be as quick to forgive. In fact, you may have just dug a pit of resentment that won’t easily be overcome. Remember that your relationship includes two people and two people only. Conflict in the relationship should be resolved between the two of you.
It is not uncommon to find that one or more of these principles have been bent or even broken. Not to worry. Start from now. Keep in mind, the sooner one starts to incorporate these principles, the better off the relationship will be not just with their partner, but with their entire extended family.
Sources:
- McGraw, Phil. “Managing Your In-laws” Dr. Phil’s Advice Online. Retrieved 2009-07-08.
- Schlass, Danielle. ”Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?” Working Mother; Apr2002, p20, 1/2p.
- Winik, Marion. “Answer Lady” Ladies' Home Journal; Jul2009, Vol. 126 Issue 7, p56-59, 2p.
