Managing Extended Family Issues
How to Deal with Difficult People & Challenging Relationships
The holidays often require family members to spend the day — or longer — together, even if they might not get along or even like each other. This can cause a great deal of anxiety during a season that is supposed to be joyous and fun.
Keeping expectations low and remaining flexible can help to make the day comfortable, or even enjoyable. As the saying goes, "He who has no expectations is rarely disappointed."
Manage Expectations When it Comes to Family & Relationships
Television commercials and magazines consistently portray loving families enjoying a family holiday. This can make people feel as though their own family has to measure up to this ideal.
Rarely — if ever — are families or people as perfect as they seem in magazines or advertisements, but something about the holidays seems to highlight the imperfections in families and can leave people feeling like their families are hopeless failures.
People – and Families – are Imperfect
Family dynamics and behaviors don't magically change or disappear just because it's a holiday. Sadly, the pressure of the season can bring out the worst in people and make strained relationships seem even more difficult. This is hardly a recipe for a picture-perfect family holiday!
Uncle John and Cousin Maggie hate each other. Mom's new husband acts like a jerk. The nieces and nephews are indulged and defiant. The oldest sister is a guilt-tripping martyr.
Unlike those on television, families typically are not just one big, harmonious group, and perfection in families simply does not exist, anywhere. Just knowing this can take some of the pressure off.
The Holiday Phenomenon – Adults Become Kids Again
Interestingly, when visiting one's family of origin, it's easy to regress for the day and feel like a child, but not in a good way. Old dysfunctional family roles and patterns come to life once again.
This emotional regression doesn't have to happen! Here are some things to remember to keep from slipping into old childhood roles and patterns:
- Stay mindful and keep everything in perspective. Adults need to remain adults and not allow themselves to emotionally become 10 years old again.
- Choose your battles; there is no better time to "not sweat the small stuff" than the holidays.
- Take a time out if needed. Walk the dog, help in the kitchen, play a board game with someone, call a sympathetic friend.
- Breathe! It's easy to hold one's breath when old emotional triggers rear their ugly heads. Taking full, deep breaths through the nose helps to keep a person grounded.
- Be flexible and have a sense of humor. Nothing is as serious as it can seem in the moment. Everything will look different tomorrow, next week, or next month.
- If someone says something offensive or rude, don't take the bait. Don't give their words power. Let them bounce off.
- Conversely, don't say things to push others' buttons.
Take the High Road & Be the Bigger Person
Spending any portion of the holidays trying to control or change others is exhausting, not to mention impossible! Spending time and effort being the best person possible — even when it's difficult — just feels good, and helps people navigate through uncomfortable situations.
- Be empathetic. Remain conscious of what a person might be going through at the time.
- Get curious. Ask questions, especially of the elders in the group.
- Don't criticize anyone, and don't make comments about anyone's weight, boyfriend, girlfriend or marital status.
- Don't discipline anyone else's children; this rarely ends well.
- Realize & remember that it's just one day.
Work to Build Important Family Connections All Year
It's unreasonable to expect harmony and togetherness if family relationships are neglected the rest of the year. Keep in touch with the important family members the other 364 days to maintain and enhance the bonds with those held most dear.
Email, text, Skype, or call. Write a letter, send a card, have coffee or lunch, just to visit. Cherish the family relationships that are harmonious, and be at peace with the fact that not all of them are. A family therapist can help people come to terms with this, if necessary.
Family Conflict can Cause Holiday Depression
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