Overcoming Conflict Avoidance
Keys to Improving Your Relationships
Many people avoid conflict to the detriment of themselves and their relationships. Strong conflict resolution skills can be an impetus for personal and relational growth.
Human history is rife with conflict. It lurks in our politics, schools, religious institutions, families, and marriages. However, despite the seemingly conflict-driven nature of humanity, many people avoid conflict all together to their own detriment. In fact, the late author Kaleel Jamison wrote “So often people avoid conflict and in doing so they avoid clarity and progress.” Understanding one’s own response to conflict and developing strong conflict resolution skills can be a powerful step in one’s own personal growth.
The Pitfalls of Avoiding Conflict
- Unresolved conflict raises one’s stress level and lowers the immune system.
- Conflict is often a barrier in fostering and maintaining intimacy and trust.
- Unresolved conflict can lead to feelings of being misunderstood and result in emotional distress as well as a sense of loss and alienation in a relationship.
- By “stuffing” the conflict, one can actually create a volcano effect, as they may be prone to erupting under pressure, especially in a heated moment in the relationship, in which all the repressed issues are suddenly released. In this instance, an individual actually creates the relational trauma he or she was trying to avoid in the first place.
Why People Avoid Conflict
Behavior Theory:
The fear of conflict is a result of negative reinforcement where the individual most likely experienced rejection, abandonment, or the “silent treatment.” Therefore, fear and avoidance of conflict is a learned and conditioned response.
Psychodynamic Theory:
People who grow up believing their needs will be met (because of a secure attachment bond with their primary caregiver) will be more resilient and creative during conflict. However, people who grow up believing their needs will not be met (because of an insecure attachment with their primary caregiver) are not able to trust themselves in conflict and will fear the fallout.
Interpersonal Theory:
One has developed introjections of past conflictual relationships that were painful and therefore distort others, assuming they will have the same conflict (or conflict pattern) with the new person.
Regardless of the theory to which one subscribes, the bottom line is fear. In fact, many people see conflict as a big scary monster, like Freddy Krueger. When approached with the right skills, conflict can be more like Elmo; a benign monster that can actually operate as a great impetus for growth and learning.
How to Confront Conflict
While there are several responses to conflict, collaboration offers both parties the chance to arrive at a mutually agreeable solution. Here are some things to keep in mind when trying to resolve conflict.
- Make a “win-win” solution your goals rather than trying to assert only your side, or giving in to the other party to keep the peace. (Giving in on trivial issues is certainly acceptable. Giving in on big issues, however, can foster resentment and other hurt feelings.)
- Use empathy. Listen to the other party and try your best to understand their point of view. It is always a good idea to ask for clarification.
- Choose a time that is good for both parties to discuss the issues. Dr. Christopher Deulen, a Licensed Psychologist and Inter-Personal Expert, states that people should never try to resolve a conflict when they are in what he calls “H.A.L.T.S.S.” When they are hungry, angry, lonely, tired, sad, or stressed.
- Use appropriate assertiveness. In assertive communication, one always seeks to communicate their own needs and feelings in way that treats the other with dignity and respect. As such, this is the time to refrain from profanity, name calling, or other abusive tactics. If the other party responds in this type of aggressive manner, explain to them that kind of language is not necessary and that it needs to stop if the conflict is to be resolved. If they do not oblige, excuse yourself from the conflict until they are also ready to be appropriate. In doing so, you will be modeling strong conflict resolution skills and the withdrawal they experience may change their conflict behavior as well.
- Seek additional help. If one is still unsure of how to go about resolving a conflict, lacks the confidence to do so, or has attempted to resolve conflict but without much satisfaction, a licensed therapist can further help an individual develop conflict resolution skills and overcome their conflict avoidance.
