Resistance, Resentment, Rejection, Repression
Diagnosis, Treatment (Autopsy) of a Relationship
Aug 6, 2009
In the early stages of a romantic relationship most people do not see the frailties that exist in a potential partner. Decisions to marry are often made without a detached critical view of the potential mate. There are no annoyances since love is truly blind.
In many cases, there are unreasonable expectations after the wedding. Typically there are two desires for a partner. Either the desire for them to always be the same person that earned one’s love and devotion, or the hope that they will change in ways that are satisfying. Neither desire is realistic.
The Relationship Pattern of Decline is Not Unique
Partners will change and unless there are good communication skills in place between the partners, the relationship will suffer. Most people think their suffering is unique to them, but there is a frequent pattern common to many relationships. The pattern is well defined and may play itself out over years.
The Four R's
The pattern has come to be known as what Barbara DeAngelis refers to as the four R’s. These are:
- Resistance
- Rejection
- Resentment
- Repression
These are the signs of relational trouble. They can develop insidiously and be rationalized with good intent. Not recognized and dealt with they will kill the relationship of the best of people.
Resistance in Relationships
Resistance is the first stage of trouble. It starts in little ways. A partner may tell an embarrassing joke at a party, leave a towel on the floor, not take off shoes and walk on a clean floor, talk too much on the phone. These are little problems, and the internal reaction is to treat them as such.
It happens when a partner breaks what Anthony Robbins refers to as rules, and Miguel Ruiz refers to as agreements. These rules/agreements are internal expectations of conduct that have unconsciously developed from one’s life experiences. When a partner does not live up to that conduct, the other partner is annoyed. At this point resistance develops.
Most people deal with this by rationalizing. “It’s just a little thing”, “Nothing to get upset over”, or “It’s not worth mentioning”. Feelings are suppressed, not talked about and resistance develops. After a series of these events, each being suppressed, building on the other until resistance changes to resentment.
Resentment in Relationships
With the building of resistances, one on top of the other, the annoyance changes character. It becomes anger. This is the onset of the resentment stage. During that time, the little things begin to grow in importance. The anger gets sharper and deeper.
A partner in resentment begins to feel less loving, less attracted and less intimate. A distance grows, and while the anger is not ever-present, it exists more often than not. The view of one’s partner becomes more critical, though often in the resentment stage the criticisms remain unspoken. This nurtures the anger into an internal rage.
A crucial signal that the resentment stage has been reached is when the quality and frequency of physical intimacy begins to suffer. It is difficult to be intimate with someone you are angry with. Without a resolution the resentment transforms into rejection.
Rejection in a Romantic Relationship
People may remain together in the rejection phase, but for at least one of the partners his/her heart has left. She may stay but will look for other outlets, such as increased work, attention to other family members or outside activities. The criticism that has been bottled during the first two phases becomes spoken and overt.
The physical intimacy that originally suffered disappears as the attraction has also. Although the couple remains together they have transformed from lovers and partners to roommates. The outside world has no clue that there is a problem. Many relationships do not survive this phase, but those that continue on and do not address the problem will move into repression.
Repression in a Marriage
Eventually, at least one partner becomes so tired of resisting, resenting and rejecting to keep peace or appearances that the only answer is to internally numb and repress the emotions. This is the most dangerous place to get to, and for a while a couple may survive together and the outside world is still without a clue.
The couple never argues and is polite to each other, but only because at least one of them is tired. Then one day it is over to shock and surprise of many around them.
The Fifth R: Remedy
This downward spiral developed at each stage from a lack of communication and failing to recognize that it may be neither noble nor good to swallow the little hurts at the beginning. It is crucial to understand how the bad feelings developed.
At any stage the cycle can be broken. At some point before the cycle started, the couple loved and respected each other. That is why they got together in the first place. Anthony Robbins gives some clues with the following:
- Make the relationship one of the highest priorities in your life.
- Focus each day on making the relationship better.
- Daily reassociate what it is that you loved about this person and look for those things.
- Talk about and resolve the conflicts about the little hurts before they turn to anger and evolve to numbness.
- Use transformational language to break the patterns.
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