Seven Signs of Infidelity
Red Flags and Warning Signs that the Relationship May be in Trouble
Sep 17, 2009
Webster’s New World College Dictionary defines "infidelity" as "being unfaithful or disloyal to another person; specifically to a partner or spouse."
Why Do People Cheat?
Men and women stray from their relationships for a number of reasons.
According to many therapists and psychologists, among the most common reasons given for cheating are the need for appreciation, unmet emotional needs and low self-esteem.
Things to Look for if Infidelity is Suspected
Whatever the reason may be — real or perceived lack of appreciation or insecurities — when a spouse or partner cheats, they commonly leave a trail of very readable signs behind them. These signs may include the following.
- Sudden change in appearance – A newly aroused interest in working out or losing weight may be a good tip-off that there’s something brewing. Pulling out the heels to run errands or bathing in cologne before the weekly get together with “the boys” are very big signs that should be heeded. Drastic changes in hairstyles and under garments tend to come towards the beginning of an affair as well.
- Unexplained spending – If the monthly bank statement comes in and there are frequent unexplained and unaccounted for ATM cash withdrawals there could be some clandestine reason for that. Inexplicable spending may also come in the form of a brand new wardrobe or a sudden spike in “business dinners” and other “work” related expenditures.
- Change in telephone usage – This one can apply to both cell phones as well as home phones and some would be surprised at just how many cheaters have their lover contact them at home. Sudden secrecy surrounding phone calls and text messages almost always accompany an affair in the making or one that's already in progress. Not answering or responding to a spouse’s calls or text messages are usually among the first red flags that are noticed by the person who is being wronged.
- Change in computer usage – Along with telephone communication, people involved in an affair will usually feed and nourish that affair via email and instant messaging. The unfaithful partner will likely spend more time on the computer when no one else is around (either late at night, early in the morning or even while their spouse is showering), and frequently erase the computer history. A sure tell-tale sign is the discovery of a secret or alternate email address.
- Disinterest in couple/family activities - Although the unfaithful mate may try to appease their initial guilt by giving extra attention to their partner and family, eventually they will pull away from normal couple activities (date night, family gatherings) and may even find reasons and excuses to withhold intimacy from their partner.
- Lies and excuses – Lies get pretty difficult to keep up with after a while (especially the more they pile up), so the cheater will likely trip up on something sooner or later. In order to get out or stay out of the house, an unfaithful partner will become very creative with the reasons why he/she needs to go on a business trip alone or why it’s a good idea to each spend a little time away from the other. It won’t take something extravagant to make a person take notice of the excessive excuses for the necessarily strange behavior that surrounds cheating on a mate.
- Sudden change in behavior – In order to feel justified for engaging in extramarital activities, some cheaters begin to act out aggressively toward the spouse or partner. Often time, the cheater will begin to treat his/her partner as if they are the ones committing the infidelity. They project their guilt onto the innocent spouse resulting in irrational questioning and suspicions. If nit-picking, instigating, and going off half-cocked were practices that were seen once every blue moon, but now are an almost daily occurrence, there may be something there worth looking further into.
Life After Infidelity
If the signs eventually lead to the devastating fact that the suspicions of unfaithfulness were true, there is hope.
Not all relationships wrought by infidelity are doomed. Transparency and openness in communication — especially by the transgressor — is the key to a fresh start along with an open and forgiving heart on the part of the one cheated on.
Reclaiming the Relationship Following an Affair
The rebuilding and reestablishing of confidence and security is perhaps one of the toughest things to accomplish in any relationship, but it is doable. The only thing required is that both partners be willing to put all their cards on the table and work through whatever issue(s) led to the breach of trust in the first place. Though it isn’t easy, it is possible to salvage the relationship and have an even stronger union after the emotional and mental damage caused by infidelity.
Sources:
- “Infidelity”. Webster’s New WorldCollege Dictionary. Fourth ed. 2004.
- Kirshenbaum, Mira. When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships. New York. 2008.
- Neuman, M. Gary. The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It. New York. 2008.
- Ramirez, Jessica. “How To Keep Him From Cheating”. Newsweek. September 25, 2008. Newsweek Online. Retrieved September 14, 2009.
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