Six Questions to Ask Before You Hit "Send"
Etiquette for Sending Condolences by Email, Text or Instant Message
Modern technology has given people a variety of ways that messages can now be sent -- email, instant messages and text messages.
These types of communication are generally thought by etiquette experts to be fine for informal topics, but not appropriate for more serious topics such as sending bad news or condolences for a death.
There are six questions one should ask when considering sending bad news, sympathy or condolences by email, text or instant message:
- When will you see the person next?
- Why are you sending the message?
- Where might the person be when they receive the message?
- Who else might see or receive the message?
- What else could you do instead of emailing or texting the message?
- How would you react if you received the message you are planning to send?
More about the Six Questions
When will you see the person next?
If you will be seeing the grieving person before a written message could reach him or her, some experts feel that sending an email condolence message is appropriate. This might be the case with a business colleague or friend you see frequently.
First-time encounters with a grieving person following a loss can be awkward for both people. When you see the person, you can just ask – “Did you get my note/email?” This is enough of an opening for the grieving person to respond with a simple “Yes” or “No” or go on to provide more details.
If it will be some time before seeing the person, then sending a written note or letter is generally considered to be more appropriate.
Why are you sending the message?
Before using email, instant message or texting to send condolences, one needs to think about the reason for sending the message. Are you sending the message to help the grieving person feel better, or to make yourself feel better? If the answer is the person, be sure to read it over and make sure the message will be a good one. If the answer is yourself, then don’t send it.
Where might the person be when they receive the message?
Instant messages in particular can be extremely disruptive. Imagine how unsettling getting an instant message would be in the middle of an important meeting, during a conference call, while at work or while driving. The sender needs to think very carefully about the potential impact of their message on the recipient before clicking "send."
Millions of people have viewed the YouTube clip witnessing Kevin Federline response to a text message from his then wife, Britney Spears that she wanted a divorce. He took a 30 minute break from filming the reality show apparently because he was so rattled by the news he received in the text message.
Who else might see or receive the message?
Another consideration is who else might be able to view the message, or who else might receive the message. If the person shares a computer or a phone with other people (members of the family), has office mates or roommates, one needs to consider who else might be seeing or reading the message.
What else could you do instead of emailing or texting the message?
When it comes to sending condolences, email can be used to send initial condolences, but one should then follow up the email message with formal written message. Calling with condolences on the phone might be another option, as would be sending flowers or a donation.
How would you react if you received the message you are planning to send?
Perhaps the most important question to ask oneself before sending a message is “How would I react if I receive this message?” Before you hit “Send” take a moment, step back, read and really review the message that has been written.
If it is a message that you would find helpful or comforting for you under similar circumstances then send it.
If it is one that you might find disturbing or regret sending later (like Lindsay Lohan’s text message condolences to the family of Robert Altman) then don’t hit “Send.”
Using Email, Text Messages or Instant Messages
The use of email, text messages or instant messages for sending more serious messages depends a lot on your normal use of these styles of communication and how you generally communicate with friends. Etiquette regarding using the new communication technology is still evolving and may be changing.
According to the etiquette experts, email, instant messages and text messages may have their place as effective ways of communicating informal messages, however these styles of communicating are considered to be too informal by the experts for more serious messages. Serious topics such as delivering bad news, breaking up with someone or sending condolences for a death generally should be avoided and instead use some of the more traditional methods, such as sending a note or a phone call.
Resources:
Dyer KA. 2008. Can I Send My Condolences by Text, IM or Email? Squidoo.com
Dyer KA. 2008. Can I Send Text Message Condolences? Suite 101.
Dyer KA. 2008. Can I Send Condolences by Email? Suite 101.
