The Art of the Apology
Why Apologizing Is So Difficult, and How to Do it Well
Most people resist admitting when they're wrong, or apologizing. But to truly make amends, you need to understand how to deliver a sincere apology.
From the time children learn to wrestle for building blocks, we teach them to apologize. “Tell Johnny you’re sorry you took his toy.” We remind teenagers to apologize for misbehavior, and they respond with a sullen, mumbled “sorry.”
Even as adults, although we say it sometimes out of guilt or desperation, we’d really rather not say it at all. Apologizing is difficult.
The group Blue teamed with Elton John to sing that “sorry seems to be the hardest word,” and Enrique Iglesias was "tired of being sorry." Even the band Chicago agreed that it was hard to say "I’m sorry". We often resist apologizing because we don’t like to feel that we’ve done something wrong. The act of apologizing brings us face to face with guilt, and there’s also the fear that we won’t be forgiven.
Apologizing and asking for forgiveness also psychologically puts us in a somewhat subordinate position, which makes many people uncomfortable, angry and defensive. So to mitigate that, when face to face with our our wrong-doings, we sometimes offer the pseudo-apology, which sounds like an apology, but the lack of sincerity renders it ineffective.
Top Pseudo-Apologies
“If I offended you, I’m sorry,” implying that only an overly sensitive person would find issue with what happened—so basically, it’s your fault you’re offended.
“I’m sorry you misunderstood,” and weren’t smart enough to understand what was really meant. Again, it’s really your fault.
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” is often a conversation ender, which implies that you’ve reached an impasse.
Surprisingly, sincere apologizing can be more beneficial to the person who has done wrong than to the person wronged. Psychologists say that apologizing offers a chance to start with a clean slate, and therefore decreases guilt and stress.
Elements of a True Apology
A truly heartfelt and effective apology needs to:
- Be timely. The sooner the apology is offered, the more it rings true. Also, the longer it takes to apologize, the more the offense can fester.
- Be specific. Name what you did that was wrong, and say you’re sorry. “I’m sorry I insulted you in front of your co-workers last night.”
- Include an acknowledgement of responsibility. In other words, say that the action was wrong.
- Offer a reason for the offensive action. Know that the person may not be ready to hear the reason while he or she is still hurt, but may want to know later. In the meantime, it’s still helpful for you to understand your motivation so you can truly offer a reassurance that this action won’t repeat.
- Offer to make amends. Figure out what you can offer as restitution, and ask if the person will accept that. Or, ask them how you can make it up to them, and be committed to working on that.
When sincerely meant and effectively delivered, an apology can soothe hurt feelings, repair a relationship or sometimes just help you become a better person. As Lynn Johnston, creator of the comic strip For Better or For Worse said, "An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair almost anything."
For more ideas on apologizing, check out ThePerfectApology.com.
