The Divorce Remedy for Saving a Marriage
Marital Miracles Can Happen for those Expecting the Impossible
Nov 15, 2009 David J. Shestokas
Having learned that the marriage is deemed "over" by the other partner, the mere fact that the partner could say the words gives the feeling that the marriage is, in fact, doomed and that it would take a miracle to turn things around. Michelle Weiner-Davis quotes David Ben-Gurion in her 1992 best selling book, Divorce Busting: “Anyone who does not believe in miracles is not a realist.”
In 2001, Weiner-Davis took the lessons from nine years of feed back from Divorce Busting and the result was The Divorce Remedy: The Proven Seven Step Program for Saving Your Marriage. As she says in the introduction of The Divorce Remedy, the reader is likely to feel as if she has been camping out in his living room.
That is a bit of an understatement. Many people may feel as if they have been in the back seat of the car, the kitchen and the bedroom. In that alone, the individual is provided with valuable comfort in knowing that what has happened to them is not unique.
The Divorce Remedy, Part I: The Divorce Trap
Weiner-Davis begins Part I discussing the negatives associated with divorce and the thoughts and experiences that lead to accepting divorce as a solution to an unhappy situation. She cautions that advice from friends and family should be carefully considered for their simple goal is to see their loved one relieved of pain.
Therapists that counsel a distressed spouse come to the situation with their own biases as well. The media has glamorized lifestyle alternatives to the traditional long term marriage making the prospect acceptable. Consultation with divorce attorneys should be done with the thought in mind that they make their living managing divorces not reconciliations. All these outside forces conspire to ease the path to divorce.
The Walkaway-Wife Syndrome and The Anytime Mid-Life Crisis
It is in describing the internal experiences and thought patterns that Weiner-Davis perhaps best demonstrates her insight into marital relationships. She notes that two-thirds of divorce filings are by women and distills the process toward the decision into what she refers to as “The Walkaway-Wife Syndrome.” The process can take years to develop, and the shame is that when the woman has reached that point the man finally realizes the depth of her unhappiness.
Weiner-Davis describes the male version as “The Anytime Mid-Life Crisis.” The thought patterns and process are different, but the result is the same, he wants out of the marriage.
The Divorce Remedy, Part II: Seven Steps to Saving Your Marriage
Weiner-Davis lays out her seven step plan in Part II. She gives great detail on making the plan happen, but here is a short summary of the action plan for starting a new marriage for an unhappy or estranged couple:
- Begin with a Beginner's Mind – Take the view that things are and can be new and fresh, and do not be guided by faulty assumptions.
- Know What You Want – Define what a great marriage would look like in clear and definite terms and think of the actions needed to get there.
- Ask for What You Want – It is unreasonable for someone to know what a spouse wants when they have not been clearly asked. Weiner-Davis also counsels on how to ask, complaints about what’s missing build resentment and resistance.
- Stop Going Down Cheeseless Tunnels – Weiner-Davis talks about how mice keep going down tunnels looking for cheese that was once there, but now is gone. In essence, she advises that some things that used to work no longer work, and so it’s time to try something new.
- Experiment and Monitor Results – When something new is tried, it’s important to look for relational changes as a result of the new effort. If the results are positive, keep it up.
- Take Stock – After going through the first five steps for a period of time, it is valuable to review the status of the relationship. Weiner-Davis provides a series of questions to measure the progress.
- Keep the Positive Changes Going – After taking stock, one will see what has had a positive effect. Those things need to be maintained.
The Divorce Remedy, Part III: Common Dilemmas, Unique Solutions
The last section of the book deals with addressing specific problems:
- Infidelity;
- A Depressed Spouse; and
- A Passion Meltdown.
The Divorce Remedy: Expect the Impossible
In the book’s final chapter, Weiner-Davis provides success stories as inspiration for those wishing to embark on the journey of not only saving their marriage, but making it the center piece of a happy and fulfilled life. For some that looked impossible, but for many, miracles do happen.
Michelle Weiner-Davis
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Husband and Wife Holding Hands Again
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