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The Rules of Female Friendship

How to Keep Your Gal Pals

Aug 16, 2008

Female friendships can be inspired, but also full of emotions. Following a few rules can foster a healthy long term relationship with your gal pals.

Long lasting female friendships are hard to come by these days. Work schedules, family obligations and long distances are all obstacles to nurturing female friendships. Roger and Sally Horchow's book The Art of Friendship: 70 Simple Rules for Making Meaningful Connections (Quirk Packaging Book 2007) write, "The foundation for a meaningful friendship, one that is based on mutual respect and caring, starts the moment you meet someone." The following friendship rules can help improve your gal pal connections.

The Friendship Rules

Rule #1: Make Time for Friends

In The Friendship Crisis (Rodale 2004), Marla Paul observes that gals today have very little free time. The solution is to make your friends a priority. Try the following activities:

Plan a once per week coffee date after work.
Meet up for a monthly interest group.
Go on a girlfriend's only getaway.
Include your girlfriend in your daily routines.

Rule #2: Be the Friend You Want

Here's a tip, be a good friend to have a good friend. If your girlfriends aren't calling anymore, maybe you have developed bad friendship behaviors.

You are a flake.
You only talk about yourself.
You take advantage of your girlfriends.

Rule #3: Reconciling Disagreements and Friendship Ruts

There will come a time when you and your gal pal will disagree. It could be a small issue, like where to go for lunch, or it could be major, like childrearing practices. But disagreements don't have to mean the end of a friendship.

Agree to disagree.
Just let it go.
Put yourself in her shoes.
Set boundaries.

Just like disagreements, ruts happen too. Have the two of you run out of things to say? A simple recharge might do the trick:

Spend some time apart.
Widen your circle of friends
Try a new activity together

Rule #4: Recognize a Toxic Friendship

According to the article How to Handle Toxic Friends (CBS News 2006) Heather Hatfield says, "A toxic friendship is unsupportive, draining, unrewarding, stifling, unsatisfying and often unequal." You may be in an unhealthy friendship if:

You are constantly complaining about your friend.
She degrades you, calls you names or puts you in compromising positions.
You feel trapped or smothered.
She seems to be involved in every aspect of your life.
She is constantly unhappy

If you are in a toxic relationship, end it.

Rule #5: When Friendship Ends

People change. In What Did I Do Wrong? When Women Don't Tell Each Other the Friendship is Over (Free Press 2006) Liz Pryor writes that when female friendships grow apart women just let them fade.

Be honest with your friend. If the friendship isn't working out because someone moved, had kids, or has unacceptable beliefs or behaviors, tell them. If you just need a friendship break, say so. If it is permanent, say that too.

However you end it, be respectful. After all, she was once a good friend.

Quality Friendships Can Last a Lifetime

Keeping your gal pals doesn't have to be hard. Showing respect for your girlfriends by making their friendship your priority is a start. There is no key to female friendships. Friendships with your gal pals take effort. Making a pact to discuss and follow these friendship rules is one way to a lifelong friendship.

The copyright of the article The Rules of Female Friendship in Improving Relationships is owned by Dana Herrera. Permission to republish The Rules of Female Friendship in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

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Comments

Aug 17, 2008 12:41 AM

Guest :

how do you deal with a racist friend? should you let them go if you've grown apart or make a commitment to stick it out for a noble cause?

Aug 20, 2008 2:04 PM

Dana Herrera :

That is a great question. In my opinion, I'd say have a serious chat with them. It is okay to set boundaries and ask your friend to tone down the comments while they are with you. You should let them know why you feel what they say is offensive. The ugly truth is that sometimes you can't change a friend. If this is the case, you need to consider if it is worth it to you to stick around. Maybe, when they realize you are not willing to be friends with someone whose beliefs are so different, it might be a wake up call for them. Follow your heart, take things slowly, one step at a time and see what happens. And as always, lead by example.

Aug 23, 2008 1:15 PM

Guest :

These are great tips about female friendships and relationships in general.

Sep 23, 2008 2:21 AM

Guest :

How do you politely tell a friend that certain aspects of your life are personal and none of their business?

Sep 25, 2008 2:53 PM

Dana Herrera :

Great question. Setting boundaries is difficult with a girlfriend. If she is always asking about your personal relationships for instance, it might be because she wants to talk about her own. Money is also a big bone of contention between friends. You could first try and change the subject when she asks about it. If that does not work, you can politely tell her that you don't feel up to or comfortable talking about that subject. A simple, "I'd rather not talk about it," usually does the trick. If your friend is insistent, you can say that you'd rather keep certain parts of your life out of your friendship. If this doesn't work it might be time to re-evaluate your friendship.

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