Female friendships can be inspired, but also full of emotions. Following a few rules can foster a healthy long term relationship with your gal pals.
Long lasting female friendships are hard to come by these days. Work schedules, family obligations and long distances are all obstacles to nurturing female friendships. Roger and Sally Horchow's book The Art of Friendship: 70 Simple Rules for Making Meaningful Connections (Quirk Packaging Book 2007) write, "The foundation for a meaningful friendship, one that is based on mutual respect and caring, starts the moment you meet someone." The following friendship rules can help improve your gal pal connections.
The Friendship Rules
Rule #1: Make Time for Friends
In The Friendship Crisis (Rodale 2004), Marla Paul observes that gals today have very little free time. The solution is to make your friends a priority. Try the following activities:
Plan a once per week coffee date after work.
Meet up for a monthly interest group.
Go on a girlfriend's only getaway.
Include your girlfriend in your daily routines.
Rule #2: Be the Friend You Want
Here's a tip, be a good friend to have a good friend. If your girlfriends aren't calling anymore, maybe you have developed bad friendship behaviors.
You are a flake.
You only talk about yourself.
You take advantage of your girlfriends.
Rule #3: Reconciling Disagreements and Friendship Ruts
There will come a time when you and your gal pal will disagree. It could be a small issue, like where to go for lunch, or it could be major, like childrearing practices. But disagreements don't have to mean the end of a friendship.
Agree to disagree.
Just let it go.
Put yourself in her shoes.
Set boundaries.
Just like disagreements, ruts happen too. Have the two of you run out of things to say? A simple recharge might do the trick:
Spend some time apart.
Widen your circle of friends
Try a new activity together
Rule #4: Recognize a Toxic Friendship
According to the article How to Handle Toxic Friends (CBS News 2006) Heather Hatfield says, "A toxic friendship is unsupportive, draining, unrewarding, stifling, unsatisfying and often unequal." You may be in an unhealthy friendship if:
You are constantly complaining about your friend.
She degrades you, calls you names or puts you in compromising positions.
You feel trapped or smothered.
She seems to be involved in every aspect of your life.
She is constantly unhappy
If you are in a toxic relationship, end it.
Rule #5: When Friendship Ends
People change. In What Did I Do Wrong? When Women Don't Tell Each Other the Friendship is Over (Free Press 2006) Liz Pryor writes that when female friendships grow apart women just let them fade.
Be honest with your friend. If the friendship isn't working out because someone moved, had kids, or has unacceptable beliefs or behaviors, tell them. If you just need a friendship break, say so. If it is permanent, say that too.
However you end it, be respectful. After all, she was once a good friend.
Quality Friendships Can Last a Lifetime
Keeping your gal pals doesn't have to be hard. Showing respect for your girlfriends by making their friendship your priority is a start. There is no key to female friendships. Friendships with your gal pals take effort. Making a pact to discuss and follow these friendship rules is one way to a lifelong friendship.
The copyright of the article The Rules of Female Friendship in Improving Relationships is owned by Dana Herrera. Permission to republish The Rules of Female Friendship in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
how do you deal with a racist friend? should you let them go if you've
grown apart or make a commitment to stick it out for a noble cause?
Aug 20, 2008 2:04 PM
Dana Herrera :
That is a great question. In my opinion, I'd say have a serious chat with
them. It is okay to set boundaries and ask your friend to tone down the
comments while they are with you. You should let them know why you feel
what they say is offensive. The ugly truth is that sometimes you can't
change a friend. If this is the case, you need to consider if it is worth
it to you to stick around. Maybe, when they realize you are not willing to
be friends with someone whose beliefs are so different, it might be a wake
up call for them. Follow your heart, take things slowly, one step at a time
and see what happens. And as always, lead by example.
Aug 23, 2008 1:15 PM
Guest :
These are great tips about female friendships and relationships in general.
Sep 23, 2008 2:21 AM
Guest :
How do you politely tell a friend that certain aspects of your life are
personal and none of their business?
Sep 25, 2008 2:53 PM
Dana Herrera :
Great question. Setting boundaries is difficult with a girlfriend. If she
is always asking about your personal relationships for instance, it might
be because she wants to talk about her own. Money is also a big bone of
contention between friends. You could first try and change the subject when
she asks about it. If that does not work, you can politely tell her that
you don't feel up to or comfortable talking about that subject. A simple,
"I'd rather not talk about it," usually does the trick. If your
friend is insistent, you can say that you'd rather keep certain parts of
your life out of your friendship. If this doesn't work it might be time to
re-evaluate your friendship.
Dec 1, 2008 10:27 AM
Guest :
How can you tell the difference between a friend who is truly busy (my
friend has four kids, among other things) and a friend who is trying to
give you the hint that the friendship is ending? My question concerns the
fact that letting things drift away can seem to come from either
cause...lack of time, or by design.
Dec 1, 2008 10:41 AM
Dana Herrera :
Great question! I might find out if your friend is genuinely busy or not by
trying to plan a set monthly friendship appointment or activity. For
instance, if your friend is really busy, you could offer to split the cost
of a babysitter to go to a monthly book club or for a coffee date. If she
refuses over and over or you can never, ever seem to pin her down, maybe
there is something going on that doesn't have much to do with a scheduling
conflict. But before you jump to conclusions about the friendship, make
sure you take into consideration other life factors--is she going through a
tough time in her relationship? Maybe she is looking for someone to talk
but doesn't know how to approach it. Sometimes, it is also just best to be
blunt. Ask if there is something wrong in the friendship and if there is
something you can do to make things better. You might just be surprised to
find that something has been bugging her and that a simple change is all it
takes to fix the situation.
Sometimes, we all get busy. Allow
for busy times! New babies, new relationships, new jobs, holidays, trips,
houses, illnesses, or just not feeling up for friends come into play. But a
good friendship usually bounces back from these things. If your friend is
always putting off a meeting--it is time to question why.
Dec 4, 2008 5:40 PM
Guest :
I help a friend to arrange for BBQ time as she said to and would match the
time I arrange. Later, she turn around to say I set the time and still ask
her to do it. After that she start to come out with all the nasty thing
like I keep whining how my words not helpful and many more hurtful things.
Do you think this is a healthy friendship to keep? Should being friends
judge you this way?
Dec 4, 2008 5:42 PM
Guest :
I help a friend to arrange for BBQ time as she said to and would match the
time I arrange. Later, she turn around to say I set the time and still ask
her to do it. After that she start to come out with all the nasty thing
like I keep whining how my words not helpful and many more hurtful things.
Do you think this is a healthy friendship to keep? Should being friends
judge you this way?
Jan 13, 2009 1:20 AM
Guest :
i have a great best friend, and because she is so great, i feel like i
don't deserve to be her best friend, what should i do?
Jan 13, 2009 1:20 AM
Guest :
i have a great best friend, and because she is so great, i feel like i
don't deserve to be her best friend, what should i do?
Jan 15, 2009 5:40 PM
Guest :
iv been best friends with this girl for nearly 4years now, but this time
last yr i went away for 6 months and came back 2find her hangin around with
a group of girls i dnt get on with or like. I have told her this on
occasion i dnt trust them and they are very jealous ppl. but lately i find
her treating me differently to the way she used to, i dont feel like her
best friend anymore bacause i dnt trust her not to bitch to them about me
if we fight, and when she does stuff wit dem she tries to hide it. and
seems 2spend more time with them than me, i only see her when our friends
go drinking, but she goes 2cinema and other things with these girls. I just
feel like she keeps picking them over me and it's quite hurtful. I dont
know at to do.
