When a grown child, sibling, or parent choose to leave your family, it can be as devastating as a divorce. Here are some ways to cope when a loved one leaves.
There’s nothing more heart wrenching than a grown child, parent, or sibling who chooses to leave his (or her) family. For whatever reason(s), he feels he cannot have a healthy relationship with his parents, siblings, or children, and chooses to sever all ties going through life without his family. On the other hand, perhaps he’s undergone trauma or an embarrassing situation and to avoid the rejection of his family he blames them for his problems and leaves first.
If the choice to leave is his and he says he doesn’t want reconciliation, there’s not much you can do to run after him. However, you can’t let this devastating situation destroy your life, although it feels like you’ve been through a divorce. Here are some ways to cope if someone you love wants nothing more to do with you or the rest of the family.
Avoid Arguments
Perhaps your estranged grown son, daughter, sibling, or parent leaves only one window of communication (such as an email address). Do not resort to lecturing, blaming or arguing. Remember that when you click the “send” button, you can’t take back your words. It’s much easier to bite your tongue and not let your hurt feelings get the most of you. Instead, only write positive (although brief) emails and if he says he doesn’t want to communicate with you, then respect his feelings. However, on special occasions, such as birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions, it’s fine to send a brief email wishing him well. Just don’t expect an answer back, being content that you reached out and the ball is now in his side of the court.
Use a Family Mediator
Sometimes the situation is so dire, it can’t be fixed without a third party intervening. If you feel it’s necessary, you may have to get a neutral person involved to act as a go-between. Besides helping to clear up family misunderstandings, a family mediator can also help heal the family members who’ve been hurt, either physically or emotionally. It would be his (or her) job to guide the hurting members not to fall into self-pity that could be hindering reconciliation. A family mediator could be a spiritual leader or neutral family friend who’s able to see both sides of the situation. What’s more, a good mediator will encourage all family members to examine all options, but stand back, letting the family make the final decisions.
Get Help Yourself
Saying goodbye (if only temporarily) is hard. You may try to convince yourself it doesn’t affect you, but you’re only fooling yourself. For your own mental health, reach out in whatever way you can to help yourself heal from the pain of the broken relationship. Small groups are an effective means to help you recover. But if you’re unable to share your burden with even a small group, then perhaps professional counseling would be better. Or, find a trusted friend, minister, or spiritual leader who can help you pick up the pieces and move forward. Just don’t stay where you are, hurting, as you not only do harm to yourself, but affect others as well when your wounds aren’t healed.
Forgive
Most of all learn to forgive. Regardless of the offense, you need to forgive. Even if he hasn’t asked for your forgiveness, to receive peace yourself, it’s mandatory that you forgive him for whatever he’s done to hurt you. Also, in whatever opportunities of communication you have, ask him to forgive you. Then, let go and don’t dwell on it. The outcome remains in God’s hands and timing.
