When Work Relationships Feel Bad
How to Use Emotional Intelligence to Lower Workplace Stress
Oct 16, 2009
Nothing takes the fun out of going to work quicker than dysfunctional co-worker relationships. Jealousy, betrayal, suspicion and distrust are feelings that can emerge in a workplace environment. Perhaps it appears as if the secretary is to blame, or that controlling manager, or maybe the director is playing favorites. To really get to the bottom of co-worker troubles, it's important to understand the dynamics of these familiar relationship issues.
Co-Workers Offer Reminders of Negative Relationships
Familiar comes from the root word "family." The family of origin is a psychology term meaning parents and siblings, as well as anyone else with strong influence on a childhood. An individual with a jealous older sister may have a co-worker who behaves similarly. One may take the emotions associated with the sister, and she may apply those feelings toward the co-worker. And it's important to note that roles are not gender-specific. The lady in payroll who looks down her nose at everyone and avoids workplace communications can bring back memories of a critical and emotionally unavailable father.
Co-workers may be a reminder of a past negative relationship. The association may not be clear right away and one must pay attention to any resistance to this idea, as it may be a clue that's suggestive of an underlying issue. It can help to write in a journal, expressing thoughts about the co-worker, and the incidents that triggered those emotions. The familiar patterns are likely to surface while writing, or when the journal is reviewed later.
The workplace can also be a microcosm of present-day family relationships. A business man who is fighting with his wife might develop friction with a partner at work. A young family member in crisis might be mirrored by an apprentice for whom nothing ever seems to go right. Life troubles tend to get played out in different areas of life, even though the roles might be a bit different.
When the correlation does become clear, one must appreciate that link between the co-worker and the other relationship in his/her life. Freedom comes from realizing that despite a few shared traits, each person is a truly separate individual and anger or negative feelings toward a co-worker may not be entirely deserved. The tendency to overreact can even disappear.
Resentment Means to Re-Feel
Strong feelings of frustration or hate do not belong in the workplace. In most cases, the two people involved have not known each other long enough or well enough to have a relationship with such intense emotions.
Over-the-top reactions are an indication that old familiar patterns are at work. This also indicates that an opportunity to gain awareness is presenting itself, as it will over and over again, until truth comes to light.
Dealing With Troublesome Co-Workers
Take a moment to close the eyes and breathe deeply, imagining the troublesome person. See them doing the most annoying things. Decide what it is about that person or their actions that is really bothersome. What is the root of the problem that, if it would go away, all would be well?
Deep breathe and relax when co-worker problems arise. Try to envision how this problem looks to others, look within yourself and envision yourself through the eyes of others. Improving relationships starts with understanding and compassion.
Co-Worker Problems Are Not Always Personal
Many people feel crushed if others don't look up and smile when they enter a room. It doesn't occur to them that people may be preoccupied with problems of their own. When criticism is harsh and random, it's not the result of personal worth or workplace performance. It's likely that the co-worker is simply lashing out and venting due to other issues in his/her life.
When personalities conflict on the job, it's not likely that both people will go into therapy to resolve their issues. But with a bit of awareness, the minor irritations of occupational relationships can provide important clues about what issues remain unresolved in one's home life.
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